I thought things were better between us but now you have me worried. Why won't you talk to me?

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night.

Nothing will ever change, the happiness is only temporary. I'm sick of riding this rollercoaster but I can't get off. You control my life and I hate it. I wish more than I've ever wished before that you could feel a little bit of what I feel. You'll never realize how much I need you because you don't need me at all.

Once again, I can't sleep. I don't know how many more of these restless nights I can take. I'm so exhausted during the day but no matter what I do, I can't seem to get enough sleep at night. I know it's because I'm thinking about you again. One night a week, is that all I'm going to get from you from now on? That's not fair, amiga mia. My entire life, I've been pushed aside and then forgotten by my "friends". I confessed this to you and you told me you knew how I felt because you experienced the same in your own life. Then why are you treating me that way now? How could you do that to me when you know how much it hurts? You're putting other people before me constantly. I promised I wouldn't say anything anymore but it hurts, it really hurts. I try to lessen the pain by convincing myself that you're not really a friend, but then you get upset with me and insist that our relationship is real. THEN TREAT IT LIKE ONE! If we are really friends, you can't keep pushing me aside! If we are really friends, you have to make sacrifices for my happiness too. That's what friends do, they make sacrifices for each other. I've given up ALL my happiness for you, how is that fair? You made it very clear from the beginning that I would have to be the one to suffer. That very first day you broke the news to me, you said "I met a boy and I really like him so I won't be around so much anymore." Why? Why can't we find a middle ground? You're not even trying! I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm sick of being abused, mi alma. I've always been treated this way and I'm tired of it. If things don't start to change, I will have to end our relationship. The worst part is, I don't even think you'd care. You'd move on quickly and probably revel in the fact that you can live your precious real life without worrying about our committment. Once again, as in countless times before, I feel caught in a one sided friendship and I can't take it anymore. It's not fair and I'm tired of being pushed aside. I deserve just as much happiness as everyone else.

I should have known there would come a day when real therapy was necessary.

"Suicide Medicine" Rocky Votolato
If this medication upsets your stomach,
take it with crackers, bread, or a small meal
We understand it won't do shit towards a cure
But if you buy this, I promise you're gonna like
the way it makes you feel

Is it the red wire, or the blue wire
just pick one and cut, it just doesn't matter anymore
or did it ever, cause I could never control
when the bomb would explode
Oh god I love you, I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
looks like it's over, please remember
all of the things I never got a chance to say

"Don't Bother" Shakira
So don't bother
I won't die of deception
I promise you won't ever see me cry
Don't feel sorry
And don't bother
I'll be fine

"Take Me Away" Avril Lavigne
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside
All I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do
You do if you knew
What would you do?
All the pain
I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what
Was never said
Back and forth
Inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable come and take me away
I feel like I'm all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold
I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you
I don't think you'd understand
'Cause no one understands

"Now or Never" Josh Groban
Why's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never

"Which To Bury, Us or the Hatchet?" Relient K
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

It's funny how one sided life always seems to be. Stop fucking lying to me, stop pretending like you care. If you truly cared, you would have been willing to sacrifice more instead of letting me give up everything for YOUR happiness. Congratulations, you won. I hope you enjoy your victory while I mourn my loss with the most pain I have ever felt.

After another long and pointless visit with Jerano in prison, Adora was feeling worse than she had ever felt before and was so overwhelmed with sorrow that she didn’t even notice where she was walking. She missed her street several blocks ago and had somehow passed from Loredo controlled territory into that of the Peraleses. She walked those familiar dirty alleys without even thinking, her feet guiding her by themselves while her mind focused on more important things. For almost three whole years, she had devoted all her spare time and energy to taking care of a man who had no idea what she felt for him in hopes of somehow changing him into the good person she thought he could be. But every week she went to him, a little piece of her hope for the future disappeared and that morning, he stole away the very last ounce of it she had. Adora was nothing without her hope, it was the only thing that pulled her out of bed in the morning and forced her to take care of her son. Without it, she was nothing but an empty shell of the person she once was.

Running her hand absently along one of the dirty walls that followed her path, she reflected on her life and tried to figure out how she had arrived at that point. After her parents died, she felt suffocated in the house she lived in with her depressingly slow brother and had jumped at the chance for adventure when her aunt Josefina started looking for spies to infiltrate the Perales inner circle. Because she had absolutely no experience with men, no one expected much from little Adora Solano than for her to become the lover of some lowly body guard for one of Jerano Perales’s cousins. But she aimed her eyes so much higher than that and met the leader himself, right in that very spot she was standing in now. She didn’t know why she walked all the way across the city to see that alley again but now that she was there, she felt even worse than before. Falling to her knees, she crawled over to one of the walls and cried against it, trying to push the memories of that location out of her mind before they strangled her.

The night she first met Jerano, the power that seemed to surround her almost knocked her to her knees and for the first few moments afterward, she couldn’t remember how to breathe. She had met powerful men before, her father’s brother was second in command only to the Loredos and she had been in the same room as Ignacio and Guillermo themselves several times. But none of them inspired in her the same fear and intrigue as the leader of the Perales family. Using all the tricks her cousin, Priscila, taught her, she put everything she had in winning him over and succeeded in becoming his personal pet, just barely above the pack of mangy dogs he so prized. But despite her lack of importance in his life, she fooled herself into thinking she actually felt something for him and now cursed her stupidity with all the bitter hatred that was taking over her soul. She was an idiot who deserved everything that happened to her! What did she expect to happen? Did she honestly think back then that she would ever have a future with him? How could she have continued to hold onto those delusions even after he was locked away in prison?

Striking her fist against the stone wall with a furious shriek, she slid even further towards the ground where her tearful eyes spied a broken glass bottle just a few feet away. Most of it had been trampled into sparkling glass dust but one large shard in particular caught her attention and refused to let go. Her crying paused for the moment, she reached out with a shaking hand and grabbed the sharp and jagged class, becoming absolutely enthralled with how easily it but through her skin. Beautiful ruby red blood had already appeared on her fingers and palm and she stared at it if in a trance. It was such a lovely color… She remembered her mother had a necklace that same pretty color. Her father bought it for her to show her how much he loved her and Adora would spend hours as a child dreaming of the man who would buy her a ruby necklace of her own. What a foolish dream! The imagine of Jerano presenting her with such finery forced a dark and senseless laugh from her lips as she used her cut finger to trace a red circle around her neck. Now she had a ruby necklace too, just like she always wanted!

But now that pretty red color was turning brown and dull and she frowned when she noticed that her fingers had stopped bleeding. Frowning in annoyance, she picked up the piece of glass again and brought it up to her arm, pressing it into her skin and running it across her wrist. A well of blood sprung up out of the cut, allowing her strange smile to return once more. The alley around her was beginning to spin but she was too focused on all that beautiful red blood to even notice. It made her hands slick and it was difficult to hold onto that glass shard but somehow she was able to give her other arm a matching cut. The edge of her vision began to grow dark but the red spilling onto the ground only became brighter and more vivid.

Still holding tightly to the glass, she gave herself two more cuts, her fleeting mind constantly fighting between her rational side and the insanity that was trying to take over. She told herself she needed to force herself to stand up, to run out in the street and find someone to help her or she’d never see her Teo again. If she survived, maybe Jerano would see how much she loved him and change his ways so that they could be together. But her she was losing just as much sanity as she was her blood and soon, she couldn’t even see the reasons for trying to save herself. Teo didn’t exist in this new mind, neither did thoughts of her loving family. All she could focus on was the hopelessness of her situation and the all to tempting option of ending it all. With tears mixing with all the blood at her feet, she ran the glass across her wrists a third time, laughing bitterly when she realized that the color on her arms was the exact same as Jerano’s blanket. It was fitting that it would be his favorite color.

My life is dark and dismal without the pale glow of your screen
I feel disconnected from the world, my mode of communication lost
Nothing can fill the void you left behind
I wander aimlessly with nothing to do
No book nor movie can heal my suffering
You took everything I hold dear with you
My music, my photos, my writing
You are my truest friend
Come back to me soon

Te echo de menos.

-"Triana"